Sunday, February 28, 2010

Feeling in the Dumps

I am honestly not sure if what I am feeling is the usual pregnancy hormones or honestly true sadness/misery. I have so much "quiet" time at home where I am busy doing physical things, but what it does is allow me to the time to think. THINK!!! Thinking isn't always good to do when your emotions are already down in the dumps. I have all these sad feelings, and I have no outlet for them. I love my family dearly but they are not the best of people to express my emotions.

I don't sleep at all anymore, I am either in the bathroom, listening to my husband snore or waiting for Rya to wake up. So I am exhausted and waking up at 6:30am in the morning or before that. I never get to sleep in anymore and that doesn't help at all.

I am about to embark on a "poor me" session, so you can either chose to stop reading here if you are tired of me complaining or continue to read. Your choice....

I clean my house top to bottom, I spend all day cleaning, I work my ass off. I love a clean house and it feels great and helps me have a better over all attitude. But my family comes home and I can see all of my hard work come apart before my eyes. I don't mind doing the normal cleaning, dusting, bathroom, laundry the stuff that homemakers usually do. What I do mind is doing everyone's dishes after dinner, making dinner, put food away, cleaning the kitchen after, picking up people's shoes, their clothes off the floor, toys, video games, all the stuff they got out themselves. Why am I the maid? Should I wear a maids outfit to just make myself clear?

I don't really have any friends around here. I mean, don't get me wrong. I have friends, but none that are close to me currently. This makes it so that I hardly ever get out and do things with other adults. I do leave my house on a regular basis, but none of these outings are social in anyway. Doctors, doctors and more doctors. This doesn't exactly help my actuality this makes it worse. Coming home knowing the stretches I have to do with Rya, the new stuff she has to wear, the medicine she has to take. There is a point almost weekly where I want to give up.

We also have been having financial issues, in the sense that we are poor. We don't get paid a lot and living paycheck to paycheck is our life currently. It sucks. We can't do the things we would hope to do and live the life we want to live. Obviously this sucks.

Last, and maybe the least, but not in my eyes. I got one Christmas present. That is right, one. I realize I am adult and so it should not be a big deal to me...well it isn't. But when you receive one gift that you love and are really excited about, you think it is a big deal. Well I got a Seattle Seahawks shirt for Christmas from my mom. This is all I got, well I got a magazine that had recipes in it and replacement glasses for our kitchen. So the only personal present for me was the shirt. Zoe borrowed it to wear, I informed her that she needed to be careful and bring it back the next day. is gone. Nowhere to be found, not at her mom's house and not at our house. What makes me the most upset is that no one cares. She doesn't care, my husband doesn't care, no one else cares. Also, I will never hear an "I'm sorry for losing your shirt". Nothing, I will be made to feel horrible if I am upset and it shows and it makes her upset. I will be the jerk, I will be the mean step-mother because I am upset that she lost my shirt and doesn't care. Maybe I am blowing this out of proportion, oh well. I will just blame it on the pregnancy.

I guess all in all I don't feel like a wife or a friend or a mother at times. I feel like a maid, a cook, a care taker and babysitter. I am sure all mothers have felt this way, or do feel this way. I guess it is my turn, and it sucks. I just wish one day my family would see these things and care, they can even pretend to care. Just show me some love or some sympathy.

Am I asking too much??

5 loving comments, who likes comments?:

Beckstrom7 said...

Ok here is what you do. You say hey hunny I made dinner you get to clean it up. That is all there is to it. I make my kids clean my kitchen each night. My husband has to take care of the kids every oter night. That means I get to sit after dinner and do nothing every other night. As for sleep good luck. Maybe have John get up on sundays with Rya and you get up on saturdays. That way you get one nights rest. I would say come visit me but I live kinda far from you. I would say I would come visit you but again I live kinda far. If we ever do a playdate down that way I will let you know. That way you can maybe get out with some other mommies. It helps alot. Maybe look for a playgroup in your area.

Renee' P said...

I'm so sorry you're feeling down right now :(
I can understand...I am THE ONLY person who picks up after everyone, does the dishes, cleans the bathroom, does 98% of the laundry, most of the cooking (although these days I haven't been up to it, so we go out). It sucks some times!
I guess that's just part of being a stay at home mom...that's what my mom would say w/smiles :)

You do have a lot going on taking care of Rya and you're doing a great job!
Hang in there. It'll get better soon, I hope! And if not, then you can always blame the pg horomones...I am LIVING that one up!!!


Sabrina said...

be honest and open with your hubby...tell him what you are might feel exposed and vulnerable but he will not change and help more like you might want until he knows how you feel. I feel like this all the time and now that i have aaron doing things more i feel guilty that I am not the one doing it. but you know after being a stay at home mom for 7 years I deserve to not be the maid and cook and care giver all the time. You are te stay at home mom and you deserve a break and unfortunately you will have to fight for it. Good luck and you can complain to me anytime.

Amanda Impett said...

I hope I'm not butting in I know you really don't know me but I have been where you are and have felt what you are feeling. What I did to get my husband to REALLY and truly understand how I felt was to go on strike it is as simple as that. Of course you take care of your children and yourself but when it comes to him you just tell him nope sorry not my problem you are a grown up too and you can help me take care of this house and your laundry and your child and the children we have together. I had to get that drastic with my hubby a few years ago when I was working swing shift and coming home late to a messy house and no dinner it took awhile and I had to stick to my guns but it worked like a charm. Good luck with everything.

Maegan said...

I have had those days. Nothing and nobody is good enough and it all sucks. Then I go to bed and sometimes that helps. So the fact that you can't sleep good is hard.
Clean house business is hard. When Bryan goes out of town I feel happier knowing my toilet will stay clean for at least a couple of days. Then the kids are hard, I am lonely, and I never eat very well when he's gone so I am so happy when he is home. And I decide (again) that it is worth having a dirty toilet for the other advantages. Then I forget and it starts all over again.
Sometimes I find a good escape in a good book.