Friday, October 21, 2016

Amazing Opportunity

I had an AMAZING opportunity last night. I was given a chance to have one of the best, most profound, eye opening, and slightly self serving conversations with my absolute best friend. I have never had such a beautiful conversation.

It was full of love, and sometimes, brutal honesty.

Do you ever look at a person in your life, and your heart is so full for them, you don't want to see them suffer anymore. Whether that suffering is physical, mental or emotional? Someone who you want nothing more for than pure happiness?

I do. I absolutely do. They are my best friend. And I am ever so thankful that they have found a way into my life.

And then, when they do for you what no one else has been able to make you do. They actually allowed you to hit rock bottom, actually partly led you there. Sure it sounds crazy weird that I would be thankful for someone leading me to rock bottom, right? But if I wasn't led there, then the ridiculous cycle would have continued time and time again.

So thank you to my best friend.

But the best part of all of this is the fact that I have this best friend who I can trust will be my best friend for life. No matter the situation we find ourselves in together in the future, we will always have each other's back.

They showed me some pretty wonderful things, and last night I was able to help them see some pretty epic things as well.

I love this person will all my heart forever and always.

Friday, June 10, 2016

Things Are Not Always What They Seem Part 3....

We left off at Nora losing a job she had loved, was good at and had for a very long time. Let's start from there folks.

Nora went to the basement where her husband was working. She was obviously distressed and completely let down at that moment in time. She found her husband sitting at his desk and she went to him for comfort. When she explained what happened and that she was very upset by what just occupied. Her husband responded with, "I knew it was happening when we went to lunch."

(I know I know.... WOW)

Nora was taken back, and wondered why on earth he didn't at least warn her so she might be slightly more prepared for such a shock. He gave no explanation as to why he chose to keep that info to himself. And prepared to head home for the night. That evening was filled with tears of just how on earth she would make it all work. She needed another job and she needed fast! There was no time to wallow in self pity. She had a sick husband to take care of.

She applied to work all over their city and in a few others as well. Finally getting a job, not a glamours one, but a job that would pay bills. She would be a maid at a local hotel. Cleaning wasn't new to her and she figured any job was better than no job at all. Her husband would drop her off at work in the morning and she would wait around until she could get picked up after he was done working his job. Every day she would wake up and get to work. Fearing the rooms she would encounter. The rooms ranged from easy 10 minute clean up, to an occasional horrible mess. That would actually take multiple people to clean. Those were the worst days.

At the end of those days she would come home completely worn out and exhausted. Making dinner for her husband and herself. And eventually crash for the night. It continued like this for some time. Until one day her husband approached her about moving to her hometown. They could stay with her parents until he was able to get a job and they could find a nice place for them to live.

It wasn't ideal to live with her parents but at least she would be back home. So she quit her job, and Jude left his as well. And on they went!

When they arrived things seemed to get a little better. And Nora's father talked with Jude about a new type of cancer treatment, a clinical trial for his brain tumor he could look into. Nora got a job at a local call center and Jude looked for jobs every day. Nora helped around the house by cleaning on her days off and trying to make sure dinner was ready.

One day Jude told Nora that they really couldn't afford the car at the moment because of the lack of work. But they couldn't lose the car, so Nora did the only thing she could do. She went to a local jeweler and sold her wedding ring. The one item she owned that had any sort of value to her. But she had to do it to make sure she could get to work every day. Jude promised to buy her a bigger and better ring when they could afford it. There were so many tears and a broken heart when she walked out of the store. They paid the past due amount on the car and Jude continued his search for a job.

He also was in need of more medicine for his pain, at a whopping $300 there was just no way. Luckily Nora's parents were there to help out as much as they could. They were able to order medicine for Jude so he could continue on his path to being healthy. And more good news came. The clinical trial that Nora's dad suggested, well Jude just so happen to be accepted. He would try out this new idea of using scorpion venom to attack the tumor growing in his brain.This was wonderful news and Nora couldn't wait for this to begin!

And of course Nora couldn't attend these treatments. Jude's involvement with the government allowed him to be treated in secret facilities around the area. She was not allowed to know those locations. Jude began his treatments and Nora continued down the path at work. Sadly Nora did have to call in at work sick almost once a week to take care of her poor sick husband.

Along came Memorial Day, a day that Nora was so excited about. The whole family was going to a local Dam where she had gone all her life. Camping, fair, and a laser light show! She couldn't wait! The night before Nora was sleeping while Jude was showering. She was startled awake and became very concerned. Her husband seemed to have been in the shower for a very long time. She decided checking in on him would be a good idea.

When she arrived in the bathroom something was not right. She found Jude in the floor of the bathtub, right hand completely purple and the water freezing cold. She tried to talk to him and ask him what happened. No response. She shut off the water and helped him up off the shower floor. Dried him off and helped him to their bedroom. After helping him into clothing and get into bed, he was finally able to communicate on some level.

He indicated that he must have blacked out from the tumor, he couldn't see, nor could he hear anything. It was all black for him. Nora used the alphabet in sign language against Jude's hand so he could understand what she was saying. After such a crazy evening Jude finally fell asleep and Nora laid there in a silent worry.

The next morning everyone was getting ready to leave for the day. And Nora had to deliver the bad news. With Jude in the condition, (which didn't get any better overnight)  they wouldn't be able to make it. She would stay home and take care of her husband. As any family would be they were sad, but completely understood. They thought it might be a side effect of the clinical trial he was under going.

The day went on with quietness. Just sitting watching tv and trying to do her best to assist her currently disabled husband. She felt so broken for him and all his ailments. Life just kept delivering him bad news after bad news.

However that night the family started to filter in from their fun day at the Dam. And suddenly Jude was able to see, hear, and talk! There was celebrating and happiness all around. Nora was happy that her husband was feeling better. Even if secretly she was sad she missed their family trip. There would be more memories in the future!

To Be Continued.....

Saturday, April 09, 2016

Open Letter

I know I said I would continue with the story, soon enough. I need a moment.

This will never be responded to, I know that. So here I am writing this as a way to clear my head again. I'm angry.

To My Ex-

I am sitting at the kitchen table right now, the one you and I picked out together. Angry isn't really a good use of words anymore. I think right now, I am numb. Since the moment you walked into my life I have done nothing but struggle. Struggle to breathe. Struggle to live.

I worked day in and day out, took care of you. Lied for you, I worked while you feigned cancer. I let you break my heart down. Destroy every single ounce of self esteem I had left. I let you call me fat, call me dumb, yell at me. I let you kill my soul. Everything I did, I did for us. I tried to make a life for us, working jobs I hated.

You literally lied every single day of our life together. I wake up every single morning hating myself because of you. Because of what you did to me. I sold my wedding ring twice to pay for our life, since you couldn't possibly lift a finger to help. I pay money with every single paycheck in my life for a choice you mislead me to make. You made so many broken promises to me.

Now you sit in a brand new house, two decent cars, not working, and living off another broken soul. But worse off, you have my kids. You see them everyday. You make appointments for them, then decide not to tell me. Then you throw that in my face to make me feel like a terrible mother.

I did things I never wanted to, put myself in position I was not comfortable with, all to make sure you would be happy.

I'm dust. I'm nothing. All because of you.

You were supposed to love me, be honest, faithful. You were not supposed to destroy my everything. Destroy me. You broke me down to nothing.

Everything is coming down on me in full. I am dying inside because of you.
I hate you.
I hate you.
I hate you.
I have to deal with all of this alone. I have to find a way to dig myself out of this emotional hole that you buried me in. I have no idea how to get out. I have no idea how to love myself. I have no idea how to see any worth in myself. And I fear, that because of you, I never will.

All because of you.

Friday, April 01, 2016

Intermission and Confessions

So this is sort of a break from the story. I have been asked if this is a true story or if this is just fun writing....

Sadly this is a very true story. The names are not correct, but the information in this story is all very true. :(

As a child we all grow up, for the most part, wanting to be with someone. And you see that person in your future as supportive, loving, kind, gentle. Someone who will build you up, help you thrive. Someone who will want to spend time with you and thinks of you as their one and only. Someone who will tell the world that you belong to them and be PROUD to have you by their side. And you can't wait for that day. You spend time dating when your in your teens. Deciding what you like and don't like in each person you are with.

After what seems like an endless run of miserable and unfortunate relationships, you finally think you met "the one". Happiness blinds you and you start planning your future. And you feel as if the world is going your way.

But for some reason there is that small simple voice inside you that tells you your wrong. You ignore it, you're married. You are finally someone's forever.

But nothing, and I mean nothing, can prepare you to find out that every single thing in your life is a lie. And you have been so slowly broken down to dust.

You're ugly.
You're fat.
You're not good enough.
I'm not ready to list you as my partner on social media.
You're not as smart as you think you are.
You've gained weight.
I don't want to touch you because of your weight.
I can only be intimate with you if there are other people involved.
I hate you.
You're not worth it.
You're not a good mother.
You can't cook.
I could do your job better.
I could make that better.
I can clean better than you.
You are just the oven, but I *made* our babies.
It's all me.
You're a liar.
It's my way, or no way at all.
I don't care.
You're going out like that?
Why don't you have makeup on?
If my friends are there, then you have to look nice.

I mean sure, through all those, you get a bone thrown your way here and there. Flowers, a nice dinner out, you're beautiful. Things like that. Which are nice.

But the bad stuff, well the bad stuff is easier to believe. And the bad stuff sticks with you, for what now, feels like an eternity. And you literally have no clue how to get those small little samples of your past life to leave you alone. To not cling to those and have them take over your every day thoughts.

You have been cheated on, lied to, abused, threatened, forced, hated and demeaned for so long. You don't know anything better, or different. This creates problems in any future relationship you will ever have. Even the slightest thing that your other partners do that reminds you of your past, you jump right back to the old ways. Because, it's all you know. It's all you are used to.

And you are scared. Scared that no matter what, you will be alone because why on earth would anyone ever want to be with you. Remember all those horrible things you are? You wake up every morning loathing the person you are. Thinking if you just would change this or that, then you'll be worth it to someone. But feeling down deep no matter what, you'll never have what you see everyone else having. Your insecurities pushing people away. And you know it, but literally don't know how to make it all stop.

You see yourself in your future alone, and trying to feign happiness. You're better off. No one will really want you, no one will really be proud to be with you. No one will want to show you off.

Why give it any more time.

This, well you see, this is my life.

Friday, March 25, 2016

Things Are Not Always What They Seem Part 2....

Before we get started, I need to clear up one issue, and maybe update you on a few more stories from Jude's crazy life.

  • Jude only stayed with Nora at her house, and when Nora moved he stayed there often. But didn't completely move in until a month or two after the wedding. Thus the in-laws from his first wife lived at his house with him until he finally moved out. 
  • Jude said he played professional soccer for Paris St. Germain. (Yes *that* soccer team) But while playing for them and working for the NSA he was captured and tortured. The captures ruined nerves in his legs and he was unable to further play soccer. 
  • Jude was shot 6 times, with varies scars on his body. Chest, foot, ankle, thigh, back, shoulder. 
  • Jude had spinal meningitis while in an Asian country. Which he cured himself of at a hotel in this Asian country. 
  • He and Jerry were arrested and thrown into a Mexican prison once and escaped somehow. 
  • Jude loaned Jerry $75,000, (even though Jerry's family were millionaires)
So now that you have one thing cleared up about Jude's living arrangements and a few more background stories about Jude's life. (I can tell more as we get further into the story) 

Let's continue.
Married, that's where we left off the story.

Jude and Nora drove back from Vegas. When they returned to their home city, Jude took Nora to her home. He took her inside and said to the roommate, "Now time to find a place for my wife and I to live". Laughed and kissed Nora goodbye. Nora, as sad as she was to say goodbye to her new husband was just happy to be married finally. 

Life resumed as normal, I mean, as normal as it can be when two newlyweds are not living together. Working together and Jude staying with Nora as often as he could. One day Jude came to Nora and stated he couldn't live with his ex-in-laws anymore. He was going to move in with her and the roommate. (YAY) The moving-in began. Jude let Nora know that if DD1 would be staying nights there from time to time that the in-laws wanted to see the house. But Nora couldn't be around when that happened, because the in-laws really didn't like what was happening. 

So that day, Nora shut herself in the upstairs bedroom until Jude came and gave her the all clear. It was time to start our life on our own. Playing with DD1 on occasion and living life. 

But things were about to get rocky...Jude came to Nora and said he was having some more medical issues and would be going to see the doctor. He refused to have Nora join him and he would tell her all about it afterwards. Nora waited not very patiently. Nervous about what more they would have to take on top of his cancer already. Jude entered the room and started he had been diagnosed with Colon Cancer on top of his brain tumor. Well Nora's heart collapsed. What was she going to do; her husband had a brain tumor and colon cancer. But she knew what she had to do, deal with it. Move forward, chemo, radiation, all of that! She would support her man until the end. 

Now since Jude was a bad ass NSA agent, the government was so kindly taking care of his medical needs. But that meant that poor Nora couldn't attend the secret underground facility chemo treatments. But she could pay for the morphine Jude ordered from China to help with his pain. Little vials of yellow oily substance. (Hoping more medically inclined people will catch on to this part) $300 a month for this helpful drug for her husband. 

As the treatment went on for his health issues, Jude began to lose his hair and eyebrows. He would have regular episodes of seizures and blacking out. From time to time he would strangely lose his hearing. They began to teach themselves sign language, so they were still able to communicate with each other. 

One day Nora was at home and received a call from Jude at work. He was delirious and confused, asking for his orange Audi TT. (One he claimed to have owned in the past) Nora rushed to find him wandering aimlessly around the parking lot, and she took him home. After some good decent rest he seemed to feel a little better. 

Life went on this way for a while. More medicine, more sleepless nights, sickness, exhaustion. She was worn down and struggling to keep positive. Jude would be fine one day and then horribly sick the next day. It almost seemed too much, but she was determined to take care of her husband. Even if it was effecting her work. 

One day while at work, Nora, was waiting for Jude to contact her about a doctor’s appointment he said he was going to. She was distracted all day at work and completely forgot to do some work for a very important client. On the way out of the office she was stopped by her boss. Obviously the boss wasn't pleased with the outcome of the day. She explained she was distracted from waiting and apologized. She would make sure to do the work tomorrow. With that she left and went home. The news was grave. The colon cancer was worse and brain tumor had not shrunk at all. 

Life was at a standstill for her. 

The next day came and seemed fine, work was going along. Before Nora left for lunch with Jude she realized she was not able to log into her email. (We all know what is happening, but Nora apparently was not that quick.) At lunch she mentioned it to Jude, who was the IT Director for the company. Apparently Jude caught on faster, but didn't mention anything to Nora. Nora headed back into the office, happy and full from sushi. Her boss approached her and took her into a side office. Where he explained he was upset about the report not being done and was writing Nora up. This was heartbreaking for her, she never had been written up in her three years with the company. She reluctantly signed the paper, but soon realized that was not all. Nora was let go from her job. 

Nora was unemployed, all she did was worry about her poor sick husband and here she was without a job. 

To Be Continued......

Friday, February 26, 2016

Things Are Not Always What They Seem Part 1....

This will be the hardest blog post I will have written, and almost certain will ever write in my life. Over the last two years I have grown in ways that I couldn't see happening, but I have also felt lower than I ever thought I would feel.
I want to tell you a story, a story about a naive girl who so afraid to step up to the plate and do what she had to to. The ending isn't bad, but it isn't good either. In reality, you could say it isn't the end but the beginning of a real life. No less easy.

Let's call this girl, Nora for privacy. She meets a boy, let's call him Jude. The children in this story, let's call them DD-1, DD-2 and DS-1.

A long, long time ago in a not so very far away place Nora met a boy named Jude. Nora and Jude talked a lot, through all different forms. Email, text, phone, messenger, they were high tech.They spent time together, telling each other stories about their life and where they came from.

Nora's life story was sort of basic. Teenage angst, boyfriends, and sneaking out to go to parties. The typical life of a teenager in a full household. Nothing too crazy, nothing too impressive. Just a girl.

Jude's life was full of fun, exciting, and wonderful experiences. Stories that Nora couldn't get enough of. He loved to share these stories with Nora. Want to hear some of Jude's wonderful stories?


When Jude was 15 he and his best friend, (let's call him Jerry) hacked into the NSA computer network. Yes, hacked into the NSA computer network. Two teenage boys. Well Jude went home from Jerry's house. Jerry, (not as smart as Jude) hacked in again that night by himself. Only Jerry messed up a little, and left a trail. The next day while Jerry and Jude were attending High School, like normal teenagers, some FBI Agents showed to "talk" to them. (Details here are a little blurry) Those two teenage boys were offered one of two things, 1. Go to college for free and work for the government. 2. Go to federal prison for treason for life. (I think it is safe to say what we all would have picked) Well, off to college those boys went at the ripe old age of 16. (Since they graduated early, of course) One went to a prestigious University and got a PhD in Information Theory and Mathematics by 23 years old. But little did Jude understand that in trade for going to school for free, he would be a well trained "spy". Yes, Jude in his younger years was the Jason Bourne of reality. 
As if this story wasn't cool enough to make a girls heart crazy with excitement, there is more. So. Much. More.
Jude was trained in all different styles of combat, trained with Navy Seals, Rangers, you name the Special Forces, he was trained. Jude could shoot, Jude could kill. Jude was awesome. In fact he would tell of a story that happened to one of his friends on a training mission. Where they walked for so many days and nights trying to navigate in the mountains, that this man lost the sole of his foot. Not shoe, but foot. Just flopped right back into his shoe. Gross, right? 
He told this story over and over, all at the prompting of Nora. She just couldn't get over the craziness of someone's life being this exciting. Well Jude had a daughter from his first marriage. Dear Daughter-1, let's call her DD-1 for short. DD-1 was pretty young when Nora and Jude started getting serious. He was skeptical of letting Nora into DD-1 life, for obvious reasons. He told Nora all about the mother of DD-1.
The mom was a crazy drug addict that he tried to help out so many times. One day he came home from work and she was in the kitchen. First Wife pulled a gun on Jude and tried to shoot him! (Can you believe it?!) Jude broke her arm to get the gun away, grabbed DD-1, and booked it out of there. He filed for an annulment the next day. Lucky to escape with his life and DD-1. 
Well, Nora just felt so bad for Jude. With all he went through up until she met him. His dad remarried, step mom kicked him out of the house. His mom was a thief and stole everything under the sun. But things soon were to get so much more worse for Jude and Nora.

Jude finally came clean about something that would have been a deal breaker for most people. Not Nora, no she was fully equipped to handle this little piece of information. You see Jude had a Gleoblastoma tumor. Cancer, he had a brain tumor. It was stage four, no surgery would cure him. Nora was devastated by the news. She had a family member with a similar diagnosis and the outcome was not a good one. Nora put on a brave face and vowed to love him for as long as she would be given the chance. Eventually things developed, Norma met DD-1 and Jude moved into Nora's place with her roommates. The mother of DD-1 was no where to be found and due to Jude's diagnosis, DD-1 custody was awarded to Jude's ex-in-laws. And since DD-1 went to a local school, it only made sense for the inlaws to live at Jude's house. The in-laws were extremely wealthy anyway, since their family was the inventors of canned soup. So they could be away from home and their life for an extended period of time.

A short time later Jude and Nora moved into another friends house closer to their work. (Did I mention they worked together? Well they did, so now you know.) One specific event stuck out in her mind. She was spending time with DD-1 while Jude was working. DD-1 said she was always with her mom. Nora brought the subject up with Jude, indicating she didn't think it was safe for DD-1 to be around First Wife, seeing how she was a crazy drug addict. Jude said he agreed and would talk to the inlaws to get a handle on it.

Pretty soon, Jude brought up the subject or marriage. Which warmed Nora's heart. All she wanted in life was to be a wife.

Now we have overlooked a crucial side to this story. Jerry. Remember Jerry? Well Jerry was this amazing body builder, HUGE I tell you! His mom was the CEO of a famous computer company, and his step dad was the retired CEO of a major phone company. Needless to say Jerry was pretty well off. Jerry was also a real life Jason Bourne. (So cool!) Downside is he was kidnapped by Islamic insurgents and held captive, and toured! Well Jude was off to save the day. Jude left for a weekend and said he wouldn't be reachable until he returned to the states. Off he went.

Now when Jude returned from saving the day, he said Jerry was in hiding until they could find out who outed him at the NSA. He was well taken care of in a safe house. But Jerry still communicated with Nora through a chat program.

Now back to the whole idea of marriage. (YAY!) February 14th Nora came home and went to her bedroom. Inside her bedroom was Jude and 12 balloons, each one had a card attached. 11 reasons why Jude loved Nora. (Sweet right?!) Last but not least, the 12th card said, "Will You Marry Me?"
Nora was elated. There were no words. (She didn't cry, didn't seem to be her style) But she said "YES!"

The planning began! Nora waffled back and forth between a big wedding and a small family only wedding. It was a hard one. She just couldn't decide. But one thing was for sure, the wedding wouldn't happen until Jerry was home safe and could be the Best Man. So the planing drug on and on.

Over the next, what seemed forever, few months it felt as if Jerry would be in hiding forever. So a plan was hatched and a wedding date was set. Only not the wedding of Nora's dreams. Vegas, baby, Vegas. The weekend arrived and off went Jude, Nora and a handful of friends. January 22nd, 2005 at the Little Chapel of the Flowers in Las Vegas, Nevada. Fun weekend, full of using change to pay room service after the wedding for dinner. But hey, they were finally married!

Mr. and Mrs. Jude Calvert

Here is where I will end for the day. Part 2 to come soon....that is if ya'll want to read it. Let me know!

Loves to all of you!