Saturday, April 09, 2016

Open Letter

I know I said I would continue with the story, soon enough. I need a moment.

This will never be responded to, I know that. So here I am writing this as a way to clear my head again. I'm angry.

To My Ex-

I am sitting at the kitchen table right now, the one you and I picked out together. Angry isn't really a good use of words anymore. I think right now, I am numb. Since the moment you walked into my life I have done nothing but struggle. Struggle to breathe. Struggle to live.

I worked day in and day out, took care of you. Lied for you, I worked while you feigned cancer. I let you break my heart down. Destroy every single ounce of self esteem I had left. I let you call me fat, call me dumb, yell at me. I let you kill my soul. Everything I did, I did for us. I tried to make a life for us, working jobs I hated.

You literally lied every single day of our life together. I wake up every single morning hating myself because of you. Because of what you did to me. I sold my wedding ring twice to pay for our life, since you couldn't possibly lift a finger to help. I pay money with every single paycheck in my life for a choice you mislead me to make. You made so many broken promises to me.

Now you sit in a brand new house, two decent cars, not working, and living off another broken soul. But worse off, you have my kids. You see them everyday. You make appointments for them, then decide not to tell me. Then you throw that in my face to make me feel like a terrible mother.

I did things I never wanted to, put myself in position I was not comfortable with, all to make sure you would be happy.

I'm dust. I'm nothing. All because of you.

You were supposed to love me, be honest, faithful. You were not supposed to destroy my everything. Destroy me. You broke me down to nothing.

Everything is coming down on me in full. I am dying inside because of you.
I hate you.
I hate you.
I hate you.
I have to deal with all of this alone. I have to find a way to dig myself out of this emotional hole that you buried me in. I have no idea how to get out. I have no idea how to love myself. I have no idea how to see any worth in myself. And I fear, that because of you, I never will.

All because of you.

Friday, April 01, 2016

Intermission and Confessions

So this is sort of a break from the story. I have been asked if this is a true story or if this is just fun writing....

Sadly this is a very true story. The names are not correct, but the information in this story is all very true. :(

As a child we all grow up, for the most part, wanting to be with someone. And you see that person in your future as supportive, loving, kind, gentle. Someone who will build you up, help you thrive. Someone who will want to spend time with you and thinks of you as their one and only. Someone who will tell the world that you belong to them and be PROUD to have you by their side. And you can't wait for that day. You spend time dating when your in your teens. Deciding what you like and don't like in each person you are with.

After what seems like an endless run of miserable and unfortunate relationships, you finally think you met "the one". Happiness blinds you and you start planning your future. And you feel as if the world is going your way.

But for some reason there is that small simple voice inside you that tells you your wrong. You ignore it, you're married. You are finally someone's forever.

But nothing, and I mean nothing, can prepare you to find out that every single thing in your life is a lie. And you have been so slowly broken down to dust.

You're ugly.
You're fat.
You're not good enough.
I'm not ready to list you as my partner on social media.
You're not as smart as you think you are.
You've gained weight.
I don't want to touch you because of your weight.
I can only be intimate with you if there are other people involved.
I hate you.
You're not worth it.
You're not a good mother.
You can't cook.
I could do your job better.
I could make that better.
I can clean better than you.
You are just the oven, but I *made* our babies.
It's all me.
You're a liar.
It's my way, or no way at all.
I don't care.
You're going out like that?
Why don't you have makeup on?
If my friends are there, then you have to look nice.

I mean sure, through all those, you get a bone thrown your way here and there. Flowers, a nice dinner out, you're beautiful. Things like that. Which are nice.

But the bad stuff, well the bad stuff is easier to believe. And the bad stuff sticks with you, for what now, feels like an eternity. And you literally have no clue how to get those small little samples of your past life to leave you alone. To not cling to those and have them take over your every day thoughts.

You have been cheated on, lied to, abused, threatened, forced, hated and demeaned for so long. You don't know anything better, or different. This creates problems in any future relationship you will ever have. Even the slightest thing that your other partners do that reminds you of your past, you jump right back to the old ways. Because, it's all you know. It's all you are used to.

And you are scared. Scared that no matter what, you will be alone because why on earth would anyone ever want to be with you. Remember all those horrible things you are? You wake up every morning loathing the person you are. Thinking if you just would change this or that, then you'll be worth it to someone. But feeling down deep no matter what, you'll never have what you see everyone else having. Your insecurities pushing people away. And you know it, but literally don't know how to make it all stop.

You see yourself in your future alone, and trying to feign happiness. You're better off. No one will really want you, no one will really be proud to be with you. No one will want to show you off.

Why give it any more time.

This, well you see, this is my life.