Feeling in the Dumps

I am honestly not sure if what I am feeling is the usual pregnancy hormones or honestly true sadness/misery. I have so much "quiet" time at home where I am busy doing physical things, but what it does is allow me to the time to think. THINK!!! Thinking isn't always good to do when your emotions are already down in the dumps. I have all these sad feelings, and I have no outlet for them. I love my family dearly but they are not the best of people to express my emotions.

I don't sleep at all anymore, I am either in the bathroom, listening to my husband snore or waiting for Rya to wake up. So I am exhausted and waking up at 6:30am in the morning or before that. I never get to sleep in anymore and that doesn't help at all.

I am about to embark on a "poor me" session, so you can either chose to stop reading here if you are tired of me complaining or continue to read. Your choice....

I clean my house top to bottom, I spend all day cleaning, I work my ass off. I love a clean house and it feels great and helps me have a better over all attitude. But my family comes home and I can see all of my hard work come apart before my eyes. I don't mind doing the normal cleaning, dusting, bathroom, laundry the stuff that homemakers usually do. What I do mind is doing everyone's dishes after dinner, making dinner, put food away, cleaning the kitchen after, picking up people's shoes, their clothes off the floor, toys, video games, all the stuff they got out themselves. Why am I the maid? Should I wear a maids outfit to just make myself clear?

I don't really have any friends around here. I mean, don't get me wrong. I have friends, but none that are close to me currently. This makes it so that I hardly ever get out and do things with other adults. I do leave my house on a regular basis, but none of these outings are social in anyway. Doctors, doctors and more doctors. This doesn't exactly help my mood....in actuality this makes it worse. Coming home knowing the stretches I have to do with Rya, the new stuff she has to wear, the medicine she has to take. There is a point almost weekly where I want to give up.

We also have been having financial issues, in the sense that we are poor. We don't get paid a lot and living paycheck to paycheck is our life currently. It sucks. We can't do the things we would hope to do and live the life we want to live. Obviously this sucks.

Last, and maybe the least, but not in my eyes. I got one Christmas present. That is right, one. I realize I am adult and so it should not be a big deal to me...well it isn't. But when you receive one gift that you love and are really excited about, you think it is a big deal. Well I got a Seattle Seahawks shirt for Christmas from my mom. This is all I got, well I got a magazine that had recipes in it and replacement glasses for our kitchen. So the only personal present for me was the shirt. Zoe borrowed it to wear, I informed her that she needed to be careful and bring it back the next day. Yeah......it is gone. Nowhere to be found, not at her mom's house and not at our house. What makes me the most upset is that no one cares. She doesn't care, my husband doesn't care, no one else cares. Also, I will never hear an "I'm sorry for losing your shirt". Nothing, I will be made to feel horrible if I am upset and it shows and it makes her upset. I will be the jerk, I will be the mean step-mother because I am upset that she lost my shirt and doesn't care. Maybe I am blowing this out of proportion, oh well. I will just blame it on the pregnancy.

I guess all in all I don't feel like a wife or a friend or a mother at times. I feel like a maid, a cook, a care taker and babysitter. I am sure all mothers have felt this way, or do feel this way. I guess it is my turn, and it sucks. I just wish one day my family would see these things and care, they can even pretend to care. Just show me some love or some sympathy.

Am I asking too much??

Trileptal Side Effects

One of the side effects that Dr. Bennedict, (her neurologist) informed us about was a change in Rya's mood with her seizure medicine. She might become slightly more crabby over time. At first I thought nothing of this because Rya's disposition is always so happy. Well the time has come where I think the medicine and teething are taking a large toll on her attitude.

Don't get me wrong, she is still a happy girl and smiles at almost everyone she sees. However things like bath time, which used to be a wonderful time to relax, has now turned into a hurry up and get her clean and out before she has a melt down. I can't say for sure it is the medicine, or a combination of teething and the medicine. All I know is it is getting more frustrating on a daily basis with her. I am sure someone would come over and see her and think maybe I am blowing this way out of proportion. I am sure compared to children her age she is a wonderful little girl. But I am so used to hardly ever crying and always smiling. It is just kind of running me down lately and it doesn't help that I am feeling more and more fat these days.

Gaining 7lbs in a months time isn't exactly a point of pride....but alas it is what happened. I just wish/hope it won't get out of hand. But the bad part is my hunger seems to be getting more and more out of my control. Oh well....I guess there isn't really a whole lot I can do except give the little baby what he/she wants for the time being and pray it won't go straight to my hips. (too late)

Blood work and rehab

I asked my OB to request for my blood to be tested for the same mutations that Rya has, Factor V-Liden and MTHFR. I went to the hospital and had my blood drawn and was told it would be a couple days. Which I found to be odd because when Rya was tested it took two weeks. Come to find out it was going to take a little longer than the person originally thought. Anyway, all in all I tested negative for Factor V and positive for MTHFR. I am not super sure what this means, but we will try to get into a hematologist to see what they tell me. I am guessing it means the same ask it does for Rya. It isn't something to stress over until it is time to take birth control. But we will see.

Rya also had her first Rehab appointment. I think a lot of people equate rehab with physical therapy or drugs. In this case it is neither. It is actually medical doctors who use things such as Botox injections or orthodics to correct or help improve lives of people living with disabilities. Right now we have a list of things for Rya that we are doing. She is getting a certain type of shoe/brace for her ankle to help straighten it out. She also is getting some special tape to help with this issue as well. And she is getting a splint for her right hand so that she has to focus more on her left hand while playing. Lets all cross our fingers for this. I am not excited however....I don't like listening to her cry.

On a side small note, she got her new glasses and seems to be adjusting okay. She has her moments of attempting to rip them from her face and eat them. But for the most part she doesn't seem to mind them too much.