Saturday, April 09, 2016

Open Letter

I know I said I would continue with the story, soon enough. I need a moment.

This will never be responded to, I know that. So here I am writing this as a way to clear my head again. I'm angry.

To My Ex-

I am sitting at the kitchen table right now, the one you and I picked out together. Angry isn't really a good use of words anymore. I think right now, I am numb. Since the moment you walked into my life I have done nothing but struggle. Struggle to breathe. Struggle to live.

I worked day in and day out, took care of you. Lied for you, I worked while you feigned cancer. I let you break my heart down. Destroy every single ounce of self esteem I had left. I let you call me fat, call me dumb, yell at me. I let you kill my soul. Everything I did, I did for us. I tried to make a life for us, working jobs I hated.

You literally lied every single day of our life together. I wake up every single morning hating myself because of you. Because of what you did to me. I sold my wedding ring twice to pay for our life, since you couldn't possibly lift a finger to help. I pay money with every single paycheck in my life for a choice you mislead me to make. You made so many broken promises to me.

Now you sit in a brand new house, two decent cars, not working, and living off another broken soul. But worse off, you have my kids. You see them everyday. You make appointments for them, then decide not to tell me. Then you throw that in my face to make me feel like a terrible mother.

I did things I never wanted to, put myself in position I was not comfortable with, all to make sure you would be happy.

I'm dust. I'm nothing. All because of you.

You were supposed to love me, be honest, faithful. You were not supposed to destroy my everything. Destroy me. You broke me down to nothing.

Everything is coming down on me in full. I am dying inside because of you.
I hate you.
I hate you.
I hate you.
I have to deal with all of this alone. I have to find a way to dig myself out of this emotional hole that you buried me in. I have no idea how to get out. I have no idea how to love myself. I have no idea how to see any worth in myself. And I fear, that because of you, I never will.

All because of you.

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